Beyond Polarization
Unbiased post-abortion support

A right to choice should not negate the right to speak about the choice
Terra Wise, midwife for the soul

''Compassion is not religious business, it is human business;

it is not luxury, it is essential for our own peace and mental stability;

it is essential for human survival.'' ~ The Dalai Lama

I stumbled upon a cultural void, a wound really about a topic that calls forth quite an uncomfortable response in most people, especially in our current political and cultural climate. People tell me their stories, that is how I learned about it. The nature of my work has sharpened my focus, helping me to see better the range and depth of this void. No doubt, I am not the only one to do so, but certainly it is not a common or popular discussion either. I'm talking about womb stories and in particular stories of abortion, most specifically the ones connected to after abortion. My thoughts here aim to give voice to a topic that has been cloaked in secrecy and shame for some time, and hopefully to shine a little light on the matter. I am familiar with this discussion because during the past decades I have had many conversations in person and by phone with women and couples about their womb experiences, and, about how those experiences were influenced and exasperated because of the taboo nature of the very topic itself. 

There are certain subjects that create a passionate gut level reaction, one of the most emotionally charged and difficult to discuss is that of abortion. Rarely spoken of even between close friends, my experience of listening to women's abortion stories made it clear just how vast the void truly is. Though many people might disagree, I do think it is possible to approach the subject in a non-polarized manor, with compassion for the women who believe in choice but also have feelings, a number of complex feelings in actuality, that emerge after their experiences. Hearing stories has brought this information to the fore, in an way few people have thought about (or even feel safe enough to speak of)  It is not an easy task for society to hold a tension of opposites, when neither this or that thought, action or idea is the only solution, as so often is claimed to be.

The contribution here is but one small voice in a huge choir of sounds --or noise, depending on your perspective, but it is a voice nonetheless that describes experiences women have revealed about their post- abortion experiences. And, this is not an attempt to debate a complex issue from a political, religious, medical, or an activist point of view, but rather to convey a heart-mind awareness of the multi-layers involved within an abortion experience.

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From working with women, speaking with friends, colleagues, and even in conversations with complete strangers who have volunteered their stories, it is clear to me that the majority of women who choose to terminate a pregnancy do so with deep consideration and thought about what it means for them. They reflect seriously about all that is connected to such a choice, contrary to what many try to claim. I have never encountered a flippant shallow attitude about this choice. Women understand the depth and complexity involved and for their life and future. Nor have I personally ever met a woman who considered an abortion to be no different than birth control, to even suggest such an idea is both unfair and unaware. For most women (couples and teen girls and their families) the choice to terminate is reached after considerable personal reflection, introspection, and a weighing of options. Women in this situation vary in age, race, marital status, religion, and economic backgrounds. and most have multiple reasons for making the choice the do.

While there may be a feeling of turmoil about choice, there is also great relief in knowing that there is an option to choose a medically clean and safe procedure and the legal right to do so. However, I have also heard distressful stories from women who still carry the scars and trauma of an illegal abortion, after pregnancy resulted from rape. Plus, stories involving situations where women feel they are pressured or coerced into an abortion, by family, or military duty for example, and in fact did not feel it was a choice at all.

A mix of relief plus something else more complicated accompany abortion. Theses feelings are present for some people right away, in the days and weeks following an abortion, but more often my experiences are with women as much as ten, twenty, even thirty years after an abortion. These unique stories do not fit any rigid structure about how a person ought to respond when faced with a pregnancy or after an abortion. Where are the solutions or support if a polarized either-or -mind set is the unbending rule? To be utterly restrictive, creating blame and shame only adds to the distress felt by women in this situation. A framework based on judgment and without knowing all the facts and nuances can not possibly fit all women, families, and couples and their diverse life experiences.

For a woman who experiences an unwanted pregnancy, the distress she may possible feel about her situation and decision to terminate can begin from the moment the pregnancy test reads positive. The stress can carry right through the abortion itself, and then may continue to be a factor (for some women, not all of course) for quite a long time afterward, even years or decades after. The circumstances surrounding an abortion play a significant role in the nature of the stresses experienced as well. Certain questions need to be considered for each woman, and for each abortion a woman may have. For example, how the pregnancy came to be in the first place, was the sex consensual, what of her relationship with the man involved, her family situation, emotional and physical state of health, living situation, and so on. These concerns and many more all influence an abortion experience, including the immediate and long term recovery.

In many North American cities today, community clinics and private doctors provide legal, safe, and accessible surgical and medical abortions. They do the best they can given the time available for each patient and the medical procedures needed for the women who come through their doors. -- And yet it is apparent that something more is needed as well. Issues exist that stimulate more questions and require attention. The more I meet with women after their abortion experiences the more this seems true.

While these questions below are worthy of consideration they do not in any way negate the right of choice, they can however help develop a more balanced and compassionate awareness about a challenging experience.

What happens to a woman after she has had her abortion and leaves the clinic?

Where does she go for comfort, counseling, and emotional sharing?

What happens in the days, months, years, and decades afterward?

Who helps her explore the emotional, spiritual, physical, sexual, and relational concerns?

Who does she confide in, cry with, create ritual with, tell her story to--without judgment?

How does she explore, honor and integrate such a powerful threshold, a life transition?

 

Post-abortion concerns can be as different as each woman, plus each abortion is unique too, it has its own quality and associations. Plus, a woman's feelings can change as time goes on about all of them too. There is an individual element to this that cannot be ignored and yet that is sadly the oversimplified debate presented by both sides.  And, I have noticed in my group work that there are also similarities shared by many women about an abortion. A kind of collective experience is present, calling forth the same phrases and words, similar descriptions or reactions to particular moments in the entire process. For example, some of the shared descriptions are not so much about emotions (though that is present too) as about the specifics related to the medical graphic details, the bodies response to a medicine, or an aspect of a procedure. Such things as the differences between medical and surgical abortions, the first days afterward, experiences with medical staff, conversations with reception and/or nurses prior to an appointment--and even experiences with ultrasound bring forth similar feeling tones and create a platform for dialogue. These common threads emerge no matter the differences between the women.

There is a blend of sameness and differences that women bring to this experience, and this is true too with feelings. Descriptions of emotions can include isolation, grief, anger, guilt, shame, self-esteem issues, the ache of a loss, lamenting the loss of a potential, all of these plus more have been described. Also, worries and fears include the fear of a punishing God, for some women, the fear of rejection by friends and family, the fear of not being able to get pregnant in the future when desired, fear of sex and getting pregnant again, even the fear of loosing life's direction and grounding.

And there is a aspect in all of this about ritual too. An abortion experience is indeed a significant part of a woman's blood mystery and deserves to be noted as a threshold experience. These mysteries do not only have to do with menstrual cycles, or puberty, tearing of the hymen, sexual relating, childbirth, hysterectomies, and menopause-- it seems clear that abortion (and miscarriage too, another kind of womb loss) belongs to this realm. Though often overlooked and even negated due to cultural stigma and taboo, an abortion speaks volumes about the mystery of life, death, and rebirth and is at least equal to the profound power of women's monthly bleeding and her primal sexuality.

Rituals help us to move energy to heal at times of confusion and grief, to invoke guidance. An abortion is a threshold of change, a powerful aspect of a woman's somatic and psycho-spiritual experience. In more ways than one it is a life transition. An abortion can act as an initiation of great magnitude and as such needs to be integrated in some form, either through ritual, artwork, non-judgmental dialogue, dreamwork or bodywork. Every woman deserves to have a respectful acknowledgment of such an experience, including the opportunity to receive compassionate support, release, and integration if desired. An initiation can have many appearances, a difficult challenge a dilemma to wrestle with, an opportunity for inner growth can all appear in many forms and guides, abortion could easily be viewed as one of them.

"Your neighbor is your other self dwelling behind a wall.

In understanding all walls shall fall down."~ Kahlil Gibran

Part II

Crossing a threshold with  support, compassion and clarity is a need that is met in many cultures but is sadly missing from our modern Western one. A desire to find clarity, to move from distress and confusion into a state of inner peace, balance, and self-trust is a need, and a right that ought to be available following an abortion. And this is true whether it has been days or decades since an abortion experience. No matter the details of the choice (the how, when, or why of it all) each woman treated with acceptance and respectful care would elevate our society as a whole.

How has judgment, guilt, or shame ever been a calming answer or a complete and final step in any healthy life process? How can blame possibly be a source of nourishment for any issue? If anything feelings of shame and guilt are guides on a road toward insight, integration and psycho-spiritual health, not the goal. In some cultures and for certain self-reflecting individuals, these negative emotional states become a stepping stone toward integral wellness, but are certainly not the intended final stop. These ideas speaks to the collective mind, to both the personal and transpersonal quest in our society for such a recognition about the need to tend to loss--even when the loss is an abortion. Men and women respond understandably with relief when met with this attitude of compassionate acknowledgment. Candidly addressing this issue will begin to fill the void and uncover the secrecy. This work has struck a healing chord with many sensitive people simply because it is so terribly yearned for, even though the void associated with it is an enormous taboo.

It is important for us as a culture to look to others for ideas when our own views seems stuck. The Japanese Buddhist culture, unlike our own, does allow for mothers and fathers to openly grieve aborted fetuses. Rituals for abortion, (and miscarriage ) are common, people are not shunned for having had an abortion yet also having feelings afterward. The culture acknowledges the unborn, and the potential parents. The compassion seen in this ritual is thought of as a humane necessity, not only so the parents and relatives can grieve and then move on after a loss, but for the unborn too. The ritual provides guidance and protection to the unborn, it allows for release and healing for all the energies involved, both the living and the dead. A spiritual force is invoked and asked to guide the souls of the unborn or babies lost at birth. At times an abortion is thought to be the right choice for a couple, whatever their reasons may be, the grieving is a integral part of the cycle of life and loss, and the complex choices or unexpected losses that are oftentimes part of our life path. The grieving creates a space for the rebirth energy to occur as well.

Complicated and difficult feelings are a normal human reaction to loss--even if the loss came as a result of a free will decision. Grief, confusion and the desire to talk and work through feelings connected to loss and transition are a natural response to any distressing experience, especially one as complex as abortion. There is a Japanese saying, "Let the past drift away with the water." The Japanese Buddhist water pouring ritual facilitates the expression and healing of grief.

The Ritual

for Personal Healing

The water-pouring ritual is an act of kindness and protection for the aborted ones, and also for the parents to bring peace of mind to ease their lamenting. There are special temple grounds and prayers intended for this work, and small statues available for purchase (yes it could be described as a business to care for the aborted with sacredness). Small statues representing the deceased babies, the Jizo, a bodhisattva, and/or an image of the Buddha are attended to with prayers, incense, bells, and small articles of baby clothing, sometimes name plates may dress the statues as well. Water is poured with focused intent over the statues as a symbol of ritual cleansing to move any stagnant energy, to show respect, and for protection for the unborn. The bodhisattva Mizuko Jizo, the guardian of the unborn, is invoked at these rituals. There are many Jizo manifestations, this one, the Mizuko Jizo is at home in the cemeteries, his domain is also the underworld where children pass through. In some Japanese translations, Jizo is known as ‘Womb of the Earth’. This ritual is a way to bring peace to both the parents and the fetuses who were lost either through abortion or miscarriage, letting the past drift away with the water.

There are many traditions new and old from cross-cultural sources that can give us direction about healing after abortion, for the purposes of this writing now, here is another Buddhist perspective that may provide some spiritual and emotional insight and relief when reflecting on your life path and choice to abort. A simple teaching to hold close to your heart: When conditions are sufficient things manifest. When conditions are no longer sufficient things withdraw. They wait until the moment is right for them to manifest again. These words were spoken by the Buddha, according to the Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh (pronounced Tick-Naught-Han).

Perhaps this Eastern perspective can offer some form of soothing insight. If you knew that the time was not right to continue a pregnancy, for all the many reasons that you alone are personally and fully aware of--and that could not offer a loving reception to an unwanted child, could not guarantee their safety, or health, or provide a nurturing life for either of you, then perhaps this concept of right choice and timing may be of help. And it is in that spirit of loving, and yes, even maternal compassion, that your difficult decision was made. The contemplative thought and care you gave is not a sign of a cruel person, your decision to abort came from a well of kindness, and understanding about what you personally were capable of giving (and not giving) to a child. It may be helpful to consider this Buddhist philosophy, that the timing and conditions were not favorable for either the fetus or you, the potential parent, and so manifestation could not occur.

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There are many unique personal and transpersonal reasons as to why the hard decision to terminate a pregnancy is decided upon (and really the same is true for all life decisions). To reflect on these possible motives with an expanded heart is an act of compassion that deepens the inquiry of this heated and polarized topic. The antagonistic tension of opposites has to crumble and give way to a fuller spectrum of thought when exploring the idea that each person must walk their own individual and special soul path. Universal, personal, and energetic factors will naturally impact any pregnancy and abortion situation with as many potentials as there are people. To ignore the reality that each person has their own unique and sacred connection to Source, their own journey to live, their own karma to experience is neglecting a key of great importance. Powerful influences are part of a complex whole: soul contracts, karmic agreements, ancestral thought forms, cross-cultural beliefs, reincarnation cycles, and many other factors will naturally have some influence on a decision to terminate a pregnancy, even when below the conscious mind.

The Womb

Along with the abortion concerns mentioned already, there are other types of life-thresholds, many related to the womb, or the womb area in some form, including the second chakra, and interconnected energy centers above and below. The womb is in certain ways something like an alchemical vessel containing the potential for physical and spiritual suffering and joy. And the womb can act as a key for personal transformation and depth insight. Experiences of all kinds, including the painful losses involved in miscarriage, stillbirth, and for some women menopause too, seem to arouse and awaken the latent and potent power of the womb--including the heart and soul as well of course.

Shadow and light, and the death and rebirth teachings can become activated through these powerful experiences of distress and descent into darkness, resulting in an initiatory experience of maturation through hardship. In many ways the difficult experience of the ‘dark night’ of the soul is much like the terrain of a compost dump. Over time, with patience and some gentle practices, something stirs deep inside of oneself, becomes transformed and develops into rich fertile land, ripe with the potential for profound personal growth.

What follows next is a natural unfolding of passion, creativity, and soul purpose, further cultivated with conscious awareness. The internal seeds of healing potential, of self-fulfillment manifest through these new and personally unique forms of gestation and birthing process. And then, a nourishing soul medicine of being filled-up with the one’s own essential nature becomes more fully and beautifully realized.