Blueberry: Honoring my Blue (black) companion of 22 years

July, 2005

Terra Wise

Alas, my beloved sweet little cat of 22 years was not immortal, she passed on June 27 2005. Those of you who have or had special pets know very well the powerful gifts our animal friends can bring to our lives, the way they touch our hearts. You know there are the remarkable nearly human kind, the type that are more humane, tender, and loving than many people--you will understand the depth of bonding that can develop and the enormity of my recent loss... Blueberry was a regal queen of a cat, and truly an inspiration too. I want to say a little more about her here, so in case you are already feeling done with this little tribute, an animal-human story of mutual care and respect, please just skip ahead to the the upcoming events of self-defense and various support for women and wombs.... I totally understand that not everyone is a pet person and that many are not cat people. However, if you are interested in a magical and unusual animal tale, then gather around...

Blueberry was born solo, July of 1983, an only kitten with no others in her litter. Her mother, who looked like a tiger was an indoor cat who never went outside (or so I had thought) and so I am therefore convinced that she was an immaculate conception :-). I'd had her mother for a couple of years, from the time she was a kitten before Blue manifested. Not long before Blueberry was born I had asked the universe for an all black cat 'to come to me'. I had a strong feeling and intention to draw the right black cat to me, and Blueberry came through as a precious gift. Sadly, just three weeks later her mother mysteriously died.

I nurtured and cared for Blueberry from the time she was smaller than the palm of my hand, too tiny to even drink fluids from a dropper. And too tiny to use a regular size hot water bottle for heat, so I'd heat water in a small shampoo bottle and keep this little speck of black fur warm and safe as she nuzzled in the crook of my arm with small cloths for blankets and the warmth of the hot water through the bottle. I would send healing energy and good thoughts to her...She sipped milk and water from my fingertip and eventual ate baby food from my hand...so very cute!... Oh my, we sure did connect. To say we bonded is an understatement.

When Blueberry was about two years old I was away in a remote location for a retreat-initiation with my Cherokee teacher. I had been through some all-night ceremonies and a number of sweat lodges, on the final day of a portion of the retreat, after numerous non-ordinary state experiences, and coming right out of a very hot sweat lodge, I walked into an icy cold lake (the ice had only just recently melted) -- and I nearly drowned. People watching me said it looked like my arms and legs had separated from my body, it looked like I had dismembered...they came running to help me, as they saw I was drowning. From my end I felt the cold water hit hard, the slippery moss on the rocks making it impossible to stand, and the intense experience of the rituals still fresh and running through my mind-body, all contributing to my alarming situation. I began to feel myself spiraling up and out of my body toward the light in the morning sky. The thought that brought me crashing back down into myself was this: ''who would take care of Blueberry if I died, I can't leave her''... She had come into my heart so strongly in that instance that it seemed to make the spiral reverse direction and brought me back down and into my body...and just as I was being pulled out of the lake by my rescuers.

More than a decade and some years later, during a profoundly difficult time in my life, it was my feelings for Blueberry, her unconditional love of me, my not wanting to leave her alone, not wanting her to suffer if I was not around to care for her, that kept me embodied and grounded. Her loving energy was always the sweetest medicine. And amazingly her outpourings of affection seemed to increase as we both aged. The way she would seek me out and give affection and care, licking my ankles and fingertips, sitting on my lap as I typed...hmmmm...

This is the first newsletter without her physical body right here next to me, or sitting on my lap like the Egyptian cat goddess Bast as I work. Blueberry stayed embodied as long as she could for a mortal creature, and then it became clear to us that her time was up. As we lay together on my bed during her last night she gave me a medicine dream... I dreamt that she took hold of my hands, one in each of her paws, she brought my hands to her mouth to kiss one and then the other, she said to me, in English words: ''I want you to know how much I loved being with you''.... As she got up to move from the bed to the outer part of the house she was transforming into a human form. (I have always felt she would be a human next). There is more she said to me, more that was experienced as she began to move away from this realm and toward her destination.

I honored Blueberry and our special time together in an hours-long funeral ritual. I laid her on a soft red blanket, surrounded her with flowers, crystals, candles, pearls, smudged her with lavender flowers, and put out sweet things to symbolically give sweetness for her to have on her journey of transition. I played a cd of Turkish Sufi healing music, gentle, calming, peaceful, for hours and hours... The next morning was the hardest threshold, waking alone without her nestled close to me, sleeping on my heart, as she regularly did--my heart ached as I wailed, screamed her name, and kicked long and hard, my blankets pulled over my head, my tears of utter loss flooding me in a much needed primal release.

And so this ode to Blueberry has come to a close. My special companion will be dearly missed and always thought of with love and respect. An important part of my life has undergone a radical change. Her physical warmth and beauty, her steady calming breath, and waking each morning with her softness on my heart are all just private treasures now secure in my interior landscape. The next phase of my life is a huge unknown, a mystery entered into without Blueberry by my side. Blessings to you my sweet Blue. I truly cherished our time together and the gifts we shared...The Queen is dead, long live the Queen.